Our third child was seriously ill, and I were in the hospital with him. My husband was at home with the two others, and were supposed to do his dissertation the same week. Then my mother-in-law called. How is everything? She asked, expecting the usual stories of the funny things the children did and said. My husband told her, how everything was, really. I am coming, she said. And she did. Shooed him off to the office and took care of everything else than his PhD work.
The thing was we had not thought of asking her, because she never had done something like that before. I think that even those of us who try to be adults as soon as possible, should realize that it is not defeat to tell somebody how it really is. Most of all it is not defeat to admit to our parents that this situation needs more adults than we are. Some parents will come to the rescue.
Then again, some will not.
When our life is in tangles this is also often a part of the package. The wounds and disappointments,or for some the direct cruelty that would make it out of the question to ask for help from a parent. Still we all need to deal with that. If calling a parent is not a tool, then it could very well be part of the tangle. Then that has to be dealt with, perhaps with professional help.
The result could be to engage or create groups of adults that support each other. Not necessarily as friends, but as the ” mother” who comes to the rescue, or the father who supports.
Even if, as me, you do not have a mother anymore, I call my mother often. Not for real of course, but as a way of keeping in touch with the legacy she left. Sometimes it takes forgiving on my part, she was human after all, sometimes it opens up for new ways of seeing things. It always gives me the peace to keep looking for another way, to keep looking for the “logical” solution, as she often said.
The rocker in the corner? That is my great grandfathers, the best place to connect, to rethink and to realize that if they could so can I.
In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo, in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?
All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.