Our third child was seriously ill, and I were in the hospital with him. My husband was at home with the two others, and were supposed to do his dissertation the same week. Then my mother-in-law called. How is everything? She asked, expecting the usual stories of the funny things the children did and said. My husband told her, how everything was, really. I am coming, she said. And she did. Shooed him off to the office and took care of everything else than his PhD work.
The thing was we had not thought of asking her, because she never had done something like that before. I think that even those of us who try to be adults as soon as possible, should realize that it is not defeat to tell somebody how it really is. Most of all it is not defeat to admit to our parents that this situation needs more adults than we are. Some parents will come to the rescue.

Then again, some will not.

When our life is in tangles this is also often a part of the package. The wounds and disappointments,or for some the direct cruelty that would make it out of the question to ask for help from a parent. Still we all need to deal with that. If calling a parent is not a tool, then it could very well be part of the tangle. Then that has to be dealt with, perhaps with professional help.

The result could be to engage or create groups of adults that support each other. Not necessarily as friends, but as the ” mother” who comes to the rescue, or the father who supports.

Even if, as me, you do not have a mother anymore, I call my mother often. Not for real of course, but as a way of keeping in touch with the legacy she left. Sometimes it takes forgiving on my part, she was human after all, sometimes it opens up for new ways of seeing things. It always gives me the peace to keep looking for another way, to keep looking for the “logical” solution, as she often said.

The rocker in the corner? That is my great grandfathers, the best place to connect, to rethink and to realize that if they could so can I.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.

We are still figuring out what untangling tools we think help us best when life is tangled. Even if I list the ten best steps, I do not think they have to be steps on the same ladder. At times, life looks different after a night’s sleep. Then sleep wa the tool you needed. There even are times when everything turns out for the best if we just are able to wait a little bit and not making the mess worse by pulling all the strings we see. Then nothing was the tool you needed.

Even if there was a ten step plan I do not think it would be the same for everyone. I do think most of us should have “call a friend” on our list, I also think we could evaluate when we do that. I respect my close friends too much to use them as scetching boards. I respect my own experience and the responsibility I have over my own life too much to not use it. Even so , calling a friend is not so much about solutions as it is about confirming the “we and us”. Most of us have friends that look at us as humans, while we ourselves tend to think we should be superhumans. Isn’t that often the case when life gets too much? We just are dissapointed in our selves for not being able to handle it all? For not having foresight to understand what would happen, for not being able to keep everybody happy? A friend will tell me both that I am OK and that I should put my act together as I have handled worse before. Most of all a friend stays with you, no matter what.

Alas, friends like that are hard to come by. To find a kindred spirit is a gift that we do not receive in every setting we are in.
That is the time for writing your best friend a letter, and then read it. You will be surprised how wise you are! Then it could be the time for writing a blog. Actually being your own best friend is not a second best, it is the only way of knowing how to be a friend to others.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes. This one has is taken at my dear friend Britt Arnhilds house, I”ll tell the story later! Have a look at her blog!

We were discussing value creating boards in class. What actually is the difference between tangible and intangible values?  We agreed on this definition:
“Tangible values are diminished when used, intangible values have to be in use to have any value.”
To me that is not true only in business. I even think that what I value most, will guide my decisions both in business and in my private life. Even if words like “ethical, just, respect” looks nice on a strategy document or when describing my values, they are not of any value if they are not used. At times they even look false, as the values I actually use signals something else.

To come to a place in life when everything seems tossed and tangled is the perfect time to take another look on your values. You could of course go through your valuables too, but my guess is that if they have governed your life so far, you are at this cross roads because you are not satisfied with that.

Have you ever stated your core values? Make a list of what is most important to you, see what guides your action, see what you have forgotten to be. My experience that this is the most powerful untangling tool of all. Do not decide what you are going to do, remind yourself of which values are so important to you that you are not willing to give them up. Then act on that, be true to your intangible values. Make them strong by living by them, make your self strong by being true to what you know to be true.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.

How would my book of hours look like?

Time management is often presented as a tool to be able to do all the things you have to do in a given time. More often than not it is what your board or boss demands of you. You have to organize your time.The stress is on time.

I think the stress should be on your.

If you have to work for someone else to be able to pay your bills, it is still your life, and your time. Even when someone buys that amount of hours to fill it with their tasks, it is still you doing it. To organize your time in that setting is to make sure you are stewarding that time as wisely as anything else somebody has paid you to look after. I have met many woman who feel entangled in the demands of others, without realizing that they themselves are responsible of spending their time or standing up for themselves if it is impossible to do what is demanded.

Then of course you may be so lucky to be paid to do something that you know will make the world a better place. The investment you make is a part of your life, you  are the one to decide if that investment is going to give a positive return or not. Of course that  goes for voluntary work to, you do not give that for free. Nothing can buy your time back, be sure to spend it as wise as possible, not grudgingly and sparingly, but where it will be of best use to the cause you are giving it to. I have met many women entangled in the snares of volunteering. No matter what needs you are surrounded with you are the one to decide how much time to give. If you are into volunteering for getting praise from others you are in for taking on more than you can manage. I do think we are all to do as much as possible to create a better world together. I also believe that no one should think themselves above any honest task.

Just remember God knows that he gave each day and night 24 hours. He created you with the need of food and sleep. The tasks he gives you will fill your life, but not more than that.

Even so the most important place for time management and organizing your time is when you have nothing to do.
First of all because that never is true, there is always someone you could do something for, even if you  are not able to think of what you can do for yourself.

Second because it still is not true. If it is your life, it is your time, no matter how little money, acknowledgement or recognition the use of that time gives you. Perhaps you will never again be given time that you can manage to fill you life to the fullest of what makes life valuable to you. Perhaps now, with no external demand on your time, is the time for you to take time for reflection and re-assessing your true values. No matter what, it won’t happen if you stay in bed. It won’t happen if you just keep busy either.

Even when you feel your life to be a mess with neither tail nor end. Even if the horizon you see for your life is stretching endlessly into the same grey cloud, the best tool you can apply is structure. If only to get up in the morning and get dressed. Take regular meals and regular walks. Go to bed at night. If you ever had the opportunity to try it on a child for a week, you know how it works wonders. If you try it on yourself, you could even discover that there is just the right amount of hours in your day. To organize your life, is not really about your things, it is about you time, your life.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes. This is the astronomical clock in the Cathedral in Lund, Sweden

I knew I could not cross that river. Just go from one stone to another my husband said, who never thinks of all the things that would happen if or when. So he and the dog jumped from one stone to another and called me dry and sound from the other side. I tried. Halfway my knees were shaking and the next step had to be a long jump. I went back.

Then I continued upstream until the river forked into two smaller streams. Then I took his good advice and went from stone to stone over one stream, then I paused for a while, and then I went over the other stream, and we could continue our hike together.

This is what organizing my self is all about. It is not about creating a magazine like reality. It is taking what you have and who you are to achieve what you want to do.

Even if the river is passable and the advice of one step at the time is a good one, I have to know which steps I am able to take. I know that I have to divide a big task in doable steps, but to organize myself I have to know what I am organizing. As on this picture, from another river, what I see, is all about where I stand. Could be  crooked, could be upside down, but we all have to work with what we got. From there we can go from stone to stone.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.

Ok, lists are for doing, are they not? I will write some highly practical lists too, as of course most of the friends I asked told me they did. One said she wrote narrow lists, with only one word on each line. Then the list was long, but quickly got shorter. I tend to group tasks, and make lists that are as wide as my paper. I start with every possible thing I can think of. To me it is immensely stressful if I feel I have a terrible workload ahead of me, which I do not know if it is possible to do. So I list everything, and then sort.

Of course some of the things are not really stressful, like yesterday I was to pick up a flower for a gift. I love spending time in a flower shop, talking to the florist, smelling the damp green air. Then I listed all the other stuff I had to do, and it just did not add up. Then it is time for a “list of now”, which is my way of saying, this can wait, this I can ask someone else to do, this I can do differently, and this I can do now. When life is running smoothly, these are also the tasks I have to do. Accordingly, I gave a gift that I had bought and wrapped earlier.

When life is tangled, and I do not really know which is the most important step, I cut some slack for myself. I remind myself that I do not know what I do not know, and allow myself to do as well as I can. Then it is time for another kind of “List of now”. Then it’s time for the list of things that I can do now, even if tomorrow or next year looms in darkness. Then it is time to see if something I can do now would make the times I am fearing easier. Then it is time to make a list of all the things that I do not know how to do, and give them a rest. Then I  realize that I can at least do the laundry, clear out a drawer, bake some bread or go for a walk. It is not much, but it is something, it is useful, and the less chaos I am surrounded with, the more fresh bread I can smell and the more fit I am, the more I am able to clear my mind for what I really have to do. If not now.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.

I have not been particularly busy today. I have walked in the glittering snow in the woods with my daughter and my dog. I have had dinner with three of my kids, and I have gone through all my e-mail. I have even posted a post on wordpress! The problem of course was that I had not written it yet, which makes it slightly less interesting I would say.

I had decided on todays theme though, it is still lists, it is your list of treasures, the persons that makes your world. AS I forgot to write the post today I might as well tell you that I have a shortlist to not forget. My husband is on my list and I am on his. We are getting forgetful, so we jokingly say ” even if our brains are not working, good thing is we have two to share”. The real list is longer luckily.To get more insight and other perspective, even to remember, it takes more than two.

Sometimes I start to list everyone I know, why? That is to deal with that feeling that I need to do something to clear up something, make a call, write a letter, invite for coffee. To nourish friendship and relations is the best gift we can give our selves. Making a list is like poring over a treasure chest being reminded of the joy I have with each of them. Which in turn reminds me what is important in life and what is not.

I do never make a list of people to see what they can help me with, that is a career tool, not a way to grow and untangle. To untangle, you remind yourself who you belong together with, that what you do is needed in the world, that we all need each other. I believe that this is what makes my life worth living.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.

At times the best picture of my life is a ball of wool made of all kinds of yarns, wonderful threads or lints from my sewing room floor, all mixed together like if my dog had played with it. If I want to finish my project I have to know which thread I am looking for, and slowly untangle and ease it from the rest.

The day I started the untangling tens project was the day I was told that we did not have enough work for everybody. After a day of ups and downs, of doing my chores like a sleepwalker, of walking the dog for hours, I found myself with a list. It was almost finished before I reflected on what I was doing. I studied it closer, as I realized that this was my preferred tool to sort my tangles.
The next thought was of course, if this is what I do, what do others do? Which is the content of this blog series. Some of us do everything, others have a favorite method. When I asked, these are the most popular tools we use to untangle our tangles: to do nothing, to walk, to sleep, to eat, to light a candle, to give thanks, to make a list, to organize, to call a friend, to start.

Seems I am first of all a listmaker. We do different lists though, my go-to-tool is my list of me. I realized I have been doing that at every crossroad.

On that day, I did not list the bills that were due, or the jobs I could apply for. I listed all the words that I know to be true when I am at my best. At times like this, I look back and search for the days when I have felt energy and joy pulling back my shoulders, lifting my chin and filling my chest. One of my moments is the strength I felt when I knew I had won a design contest. Another is when I facilitated the solution of a conflict and succeeded where everyone else had given in. Another is skiing into the woods, standing on a hilltop and watching the sun set. Another is the glimpse of understanding when praying with a friend. They are not hard-sell skills, they are who I am.

I also list the words that tell me of situations I hated. Where someone was unjust, when someone left me with responsibility I was not able to handle, all the days where what I did, did not add up to what I want to be.
These moments help me see what to avoid, and what my values are.

These lists are not orderly, there are flowers and clouds, boxes and sentences all over the page. In between I put some words that comes to my mind. Like color, snow, ocean, church.

When I feel there is something to work on, I take a look on my list, adding, underlining and connecting. A list like this is not a to-do list, it is a to-be list. It is my tool to remind me what I need to have present in my life. It is not a tool that makes my tangle less, it is the key that helps me know what to look for, what to keep and what to add. It is not the finished project, not even the start of the project itself. It is getting to know the quality and the color of the yarn I want to keep to start knitting, and then the work may begin.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.

The world is unjust.
If you look at the statistics it is quite clear.
I do not have my share. So many people have more hunger, war, fear, illness, poverty and violence in their lives than I have ever known. It is just not right.
On the other hand some have more wealth, fame and health too.Totally unjust, I know.
Without making saints of the poor, or villains of the rich, I do think neither situation has anything to do with how much gratitude we have in our hearts. If you are not able to live in the fact that you are worthy of love and responsible for both loving your self and others, you will never feel that you get what you are entitled too, whether you are poor or rich. Insecurity and self-hate can both make you crave more than you need and hinder you from standing up for yourself. Loving only yourself will make you greedy and needy, whether you have more than your share or nothing at all.
Of course we, who live in the middle, with relative wealth, could start to list all the goods we have, to force gratitude out of sheer numbers. It would not necessarily make us thankful though. If I look for gratitude that way, I will either feel shame that I have so much and give something away, or I feel resentment that I do not have the riches others have. I could even make it a semi-pious thought like” I would have been so much better at sharing that wealth than he or she is”. Neither approach fills me with wonder about the fact that if I am alive to ponder such thoughts, I obviously have one thing to be thankful for.

To give thanks is to change focus from what we want to what we have. Which could be less than we need, and make us look for other options. It could also be a reminder that what we have more than we need, which means we are keeping somebody else’s share which of course is not ours at all.
As such it is a very practical untangling tool, and not a spiritual experiment. It works if my tangle is emotional and relational too. To look at something differently, you have to look at the problem from a different angle, which you do by placing yourself somewhere else. Like going for a walk and then think about your tangles. Or lighting a candle and see what issue comes first to your mind. Or  listening when you name your worry dolls. Or seeing what you do when treating yourself as well as you would a friend.
Chances are you would see what is really important. That is your tool to redefine your tangles, and after all find the one thing you have that will help you go on, for that be thankful. That one thing will show you the wisdom you have gained from experience, the knowledge you have learned from living, the trust you have learned from love, that is life. For that be thankful.

In November I take part in the NaBloPoMo,  in the BlogHer network. I post every day on “The Untangling Tens” what women do when life gets tangled. These are the ten tools that worked for those I have asked, what are yours?

All pictures in this blog are taken by me, Solveig Mjolsnes.These horses are grazing the dry grasses in Foxen valley.