Category Archives: reflections on life

Dreamscape

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Our house was getting too small.
Or our lives were too crowded. We were to busy to do anything about it. I was not able to go to sleep, tossing and turning, worrying and thinking. When I finally drifted into a troubled dream it suddenly all made sense. I had just dreamt that we had an extra room that we did not know anything about. I felt calm, relaxed and happy and slept soundly the rest of the night. The next morning I was halfway down the stairs, going to open the door to that new room, before I realized how impossible that would be in a house that we had built ourselves.

I still knew the dream to be true though, I just was waiting to understand how. 

I prayed and waited, thought and wondered. 

For several weeks I did not understand the answer, even if I got one clue after another.

 I was asked to write some texts. I was asked to design some book covers. I was asked to do some creative sewing projects. I had some paintings framed, and sold them. I was asked to sit on a board. 

Not out of the blue, I had always done these things, I had just not known that I had to do them. 

Now I know, I am happy only if I create something. 

Not necessarily things, even peace has to be made. That is how I regard counseling, coaching and board work. To create in these settings is to visualize and to make a setting where reflection is possible.

My soul told me that it was not really the physical space that was too crowded.My whole family was suffering because I had acted as there was no place for my soul. 

Now I know the dream was true, now I know it is up to me to make it possible.

The beginner’s guide to jealousy

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If I was really jealous, and still had a friend, I would write her a letter to let her in on the secrets of jealousy, it would not be anonymous though! 

I’ll share it with you, there are a lot of tricks to be learned! 

Jealousy is a prickly weed that goes well in a bouquet of envy, greed, ungratefulness and ignorance. You may chose to make this arrangement as a wreath on your front door, place it on your dinner table, or best of all craft it into a small buttonhole nose gay. You need to make only one, as it will sprout, grow and cling to every human you approach. 

It is so easy to care for, every resentment and snide you ever utter will make it grow, you do not even have to think about it! It just takes some small adjustments in your daily routine. 

 First, every time you smile and start to enjoy yourself, stop and tell yourself that what you have is actually much less than you are entitled too. 

Second, if you should feel the slightest inclination to be happy when a friend achieves something, remember to tell yourself how much better you would have done given her opportunities.
If you ever have leisure time always find something to do that you think somebody else should have done. 

Above all, always remember never to give anything away, always compare and keep complaining. 

If you succeed you will be able to establish a thriving jealously patch in your home and your workplace, that will be felt by everyone around you.
Just by practicing a little every day you will soon be the most jealous, grumpy, miserable, friendless person you will ever know. 

You will not realize that this is you though, as you will cling to the fact that there is a lovelier, richer, nicer you somewhere if you only got what’s meant to be yours.
Keep practicing, or you’ll just have to enjoy life.

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While waiting for the answers

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IMG_5622 skyerWould it not be nice if we could do the math of life first, then go ahead and fill in the unknowns in the equation, and then…just sail through life? Even when it is almost unbearable to wait for an answer, a solution, for healing or for success, that is just what we have to do. I listened to an inspiring talk on mathematics some days ago, which made me write this post on going on even when we do not see the end of the road. I borrowed an expression from the lovely blog of Gleaning the nuggets, I do not think luck comes to the prepared mind. I think the prepared mind is able to glean those small nuggets, to see the tiny steps that eventually will take me where I need to go. Not being able to see the whole road before me or remembering every bend until now is not really a valid excuse for not staying on the road, is it? I think the big answers, like” is this a road?”, and “where does it take me?”, also gets answered through the tiny nuggets, the small steps.

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Listless is clueless

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Mad Hatter Teaparty

Mad Hatter Teaparty

I was having some girl friends over, and some of us had quite a lot on our plates just then. You know that middle age means being in the middle of all ages did you not? There were parents, spouses, kids, grandchildren, obligations and careers, and we were in the middle of it all, comforting, helping, advising and supporting. We got to talking about how we tackled stress, and how we sorted our priorities. No one surprised the others by saying she made a list, because we all do that.

Too much to consider

Too much to consider

The interesting part is how we make different lists and how we make lists differently. One of my friends said the trick was to make a narrow list, just wide enough for a single item, that would convince her that one step at a time would guide her through her day, and it would. My mother used to go to the other extreme, the bigger sheet of paper the better. She would make columns for each hour of the day, allot tasks to each hour, and then force ahead, being sure that if nothing happened it would be possible to achieve it all.

Too much on you plate...

Too much on you plate…

Then of course, as most of the elements on her lists were living creatures who did not know that we were committed to paper, she was always behind her schedule. She found it comforting to know though that life was the messy part, not her planning. To me all sorts of lists are basic survival tools. My head is always filled to the brim with ideas, plans, projects, dreams and pictures. I can handle that, what makes me reach for my notepad is when worries are trying to take over.

Just one task at the time

Just one task at the time

If I think I really have too much to do, I use a list to tell me it is not true.To me list making is a way of making sure that the pieces of my life’s puzzle will fit together and make a beautiful picture in the end. I jot down every thought that comes to mind, not categorizing or sorting, just everything. Like emptying the puzzle box on a big table. The rationale is that if it is crowding my head it needs to get out so I can see what it is all about. Normally it takes only a couple of minutes to know that whats left in my head might stay where it is.

They do not really care about the fuzz

They do not really care about the fuzz

Then I start sorting. Normally the categories would be family and friends, work and church. These are the corners holding my picture together. Then of course there will be different projects to do and to remember. The surprise that always elevates me is that is normally boils down to the small details of the big picture. Thinking it over, having a look at the pieces that want to be in my picture I can confer with the picture on the box of the puzzle and say, sorry you do not belong, or I can turn it over and say, this piece goes with the border, so let’s just keep it out of the middle for a while.

Let's get to work

Let’s get to work

Doing this I also discover that life is just like the old jigsaw puzzles at our cabin. Someone has been lazy when sorting the pieces. Mostly you will discover that by emptying the box. As in life, I can easily  spot and remove the big, clumsy pieces that clearly not belong.

One big picture

One big picture

It get’s tricky though, sometimes you can make a piece from another box fit. Not quite, but almost. That is when I get stressed, that is when I sense something is wrong, when I try to fit something into my life because somebody has dumped it into my box. As I get older, I am learning. Doing what others should do is not taking responsibility, it is robbing someone else of the blessings to being allowed to  walk in the work prepared for them.

Different tasks

Different tasks

Of course, when nobody is shouldering the task, when there is a real emergency, that is something else. If not, I have learned it is wise to just wait it out, sorting through my pieces once more. Resting in the blessing that I will have time for what I am called to do, quietly putting the other pieces back where they belong.

First things first, as pigs see it

First things first, as pigs see it

The pictures are from the County Fair this weekend. Busy, teeming with life, everybody concentrating on their own tasks.

Teamwork

Teamwork

Messy neatpins

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Beautiful order

Beautiful order

We stayed with some friends this week. As they left early for work we made our own breakfast, and I was impressed by the total order of her kitchen. I had to comment on that later in the evening. Oh, she said, I just keep it that way, my grandmother organized it when we moved in. That was ten years ago.

Very well ordered, but for whom?

Very well ordered, but for whom?

As for me? I de-clutter and organize several times a year, but as soon a I start living in the neat, clean space, life takes over. I talked this over with another dear friend some days ago. Her home is as organized as mine, everything has its place, and most of the time that’s  where you’ll find it. To me order has it’s own beauty. So why do we strive to stay organized? Because the well-ordered universe is not our natural habitat.

well ordered, but not living

well ordered, but not living

And we both know that keeping organized is our survival tool to be able to do all the thing we want to do, or have to do. We both are impulsive, creative, active, imaginative…and at least for me, messy. Not when doing ordinary things like cooking or cleaning, but say gardening…..I’ll start in a corner. I find a plant that does not thrive, I find a new spot, I discover a rose that should have been cut back, I trim that rose and start the compost cutter, I spot some twigs that are too big and go to the landfill with those, or saw them into logs, then I see that the wood shed should have been cleared….

Where to start?

Where to start?

Hopefully I put the poor plant in the ground before I started on the roses, life is a messy business! Not to talk about painting, quilting or sewing. Pulling everything out, looking at the colours, feeling the material, gets me going, while nothing stops me as having to look for the handy tool or the scrap that would make this project perfect. Then again,  if I really am stuck, the best strategy is to clear up, sort out, to take stock. To me, that is true about everything, not only visible projects.

To untangle life enough to be aware of the single rose

To untangle life enough to be aware of the single rose

Actually, even more so if I do not know where to go next. I think life’s messes are like balls of wool, if they are entangled it makes things worse to pull at one thread even if it is the right one. Stop, think, tweak and pull softly, perhaps even cut a knot. And then I will be knitting again, until the next knot. At least I will know where my yarn is, and if need be where my scissors are, hopefully.

Nostalgic- weekly photo challenge

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IMG_6234 what we wereI once read that nostalgia originally was an illness. The diagnosis army doctors put on boys from the Austrian mountains that simply were not able to thrive in the flatlands. Now we allow nostalgia to have a more genteel ring to it, almost like a reverence for the things passed. Sometimes it can be stifling too, making only what was, or what we remember about it, be the ideal state, not being able to tackle change and challenges. At the World Museum of Mining last week I saw this sign, perhaps the only way to balance looking back, looking forward and being here, just now? I think the quote is from T.S Eliot’s “Wasteland”. Anybody nostalgic about high school and EngLit able to help me out?

This doll symbolizes the stifling nostalgia to me. She has been standing, waiting, in this dollhouse for decades, looking for people who will never return, and as she is in a museum she is not allowed to engage in play with real, living children.IMG_4643 dukke

TIME magazine, dare to be the person of the year 2013, daily prompt

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Big waves at Jalama

Big waves at Jalama

If life only was as simple as that, I’d start indexing and cataloguing every known person, right this minute. Would it not be neat if we could label a person once and for all? HAH, don’t YOU try to do something good, I know your sort! Or the other way around, I am sure he did not mean that, he is such a wonderful person!

IMG_0948 snartIf we had humankind labeled like this it would save such a lot of time. No need to sit down and reflect together, no need to ask for forgiveness and absolutely not grant it. Aristotle says “One swallow does not make summer”. He elaborates that by stating that our main business in life is to learn from every situation we are in, how we can create the good life for one another, and until our life is complete, we do not know if or how we did that. It takes many swallows, made of good choices and deeds to make summer of our shared existence.

IMG_1027 touchdownI do think we can learn from another, and I do think that persons who do good things and show integrity and truth through their lives may inspire us to go on, to try once more. I know that they can do that only when we let them be humans, not less and not more than any other human. I know that we each have a calling to be” person of the year” in our own life. Not as heroes, not as celebrities, but by not holding back the wisdom we are given through our experiences. To be a person is to show your face, your persona, who you really are. If we do that we can grow and learn together. If not, we will have heroes and villains, masses and mobs. But we will not have persons, neither this year nor the next.

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It is not my story – writing challenge on what I never would tell

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IMG_0196 heart of heartsWhen I saw the picture of those two chefs in this weeks writing challenge I knew at once what the story was. It would not be fiction though, as it is one of my treasured memories. An impromptu wedding in an alpine flower field. A poetic wedding service with towering, snow-clad swiss alps as backdrop. A glowing bride walking up to the improvised altar while the wind played with her veil and someone played a joyful tune on a wooden flute. Leading up to this was only two days of preparing, an unprecedented whirl of activity. There was not much money, but everyone had searched their hearts and mind to find what they could contribute. Those two chefs, who never had worked together before, were able to  create a colorful and well tasting feast from meagre ingredients. One girl knew how to give a massage and went through the preparing crowds easing the strain, some of us picked wild flowers, some were scrubbing floors or doing laundry to prepare for guests. The strongest carried tables and chairs from all the village to the biggest lawn.

Setting of another marvellous wedding

Setting of another marvellous wedding

Then, this is what I saw, and what I took part in, which would only be romantic, not fabulous if it were not for the rest of the story. Why this haste? Who were married? When was this? Did they live happily forever after? I know only part of those answers, I have no way to check up on what I do not know, and I know that if I write more, someone could recognize this setting and be hurt if I did not tell the story right. I know what version I have of the truth, and that is enough to know that the rest is not my story to tell. To me that goes with all blogging and writing, knowing what to tell and what to keep. If I was listening to someone sharing their troubles or joys in confidence, I would not open the windows and shout into the streets, listen to this great story! Even when I took part in the story, only my part is the one to share. You would have loved to be in that wedding though, and then we could have shared our memories of the probably most glorious romantic story we ever witnessed. As it is, it’s up to you to imagine!

Have you eaten today? Blue pills and red pills

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Come on, breakfast is ready, where is everybody?

Come on, breakfast is ready, where is everybody?

It was a late saturday evening. I was in hospital, seriously ill, and not able to eat at all. The nurses went in and out while I was more or less asleep. Hospital doors shut in their own way, they just glide silently at slow speed until they are almost closed. Then they stop, and shut in a final quick swish. Just as the door closed, this last swish brought with it a vanilla waft and a peal of laughter. Someone was baking waffles in the nurse’s kitchen, hoping for  an easy shift with time for socializing and friendship.

Trying to fool me with a blue pill are you?

Trying to fool me with a blue pill are you?

That smell brought so many memories of my grandmother’s tradition of serving waffles to everybody on saturday afternoon, of happy meals in the garden and by the fireplace. It brought longings for companionship and joy. It brought regrets for  the times I had not appreciated being with my family or taking time to share a meal with a friend. The smell of that simple and unpretentious food brought resolve to never take fellowship or sustenance as a given. To me it is not about what we eat, but eating together, sharing meals that take so long that thoughts, questions and reflections have time to arise and be dwelt upon.

I want to take part in the fun

I want to take part in the fun

I have been told that the chinese used to greet each other with ” have you eaten?”. The most important thing to know, implicating that if you had food, your day must be good. We know that many could not answer positively to that. Even today, we will find hunger, malnutrition and need very close to us. So, on the other hand, if developing pills that would take care of everybody’s need was possible, if I could eat pills so that all of us were given the chance to live, then I would do it. Until then I am happy to being able to eat. Until then, you’re welcome to sit down at my table sharing a meal.

Having a cup of coffee by the lake, come join me!

Having a cup of coffee by the lake, come join me!

To go and to be – a daily post on going

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IMG_2407 lonely treeI get to travel a lot. Both through work and for leisure. Even when we technically already are on a travel, we go somewhere else, to see, to explore, to understand and to take photos  of course. Even so there are more places I have not visited, than places I’ve been, which is totally OK. I do not really have an urge to travel.

IMG_2652 mapsWhat I would love to do though is getting even braver at talking to people where I go. When we are driving, even on roads at home which I know so well, I catch myself looking into windows, wondering how it is to live just here, and there and what about here? How are our lives influenced by geography, history, beliefs, health,political and economical limitations and possibilities? What longings do we share, what dreams do we want to make real together?

IMG_2433 really fallI do love the in-between travels, some times I have had the opportunity to go places where my husband will work, and I will have no responsibilities. I walk at my leisure, almost meditating, through parks, woods, libraries, galleries and museums. I take photos, talk to people, have long lunches where I write and think, and then we will meet up for dinner or have some days together after the conference or whatever.

IMG_2481 the colours of St.PetersburgThis way I get to see the sights, have fun with my husband, and savour the place and the people in my own pace. I do not know anybody who is so slow in taking in a new place like me, and who actually wants to sit on a bench pondering over life, when there are shops or sights everywhere. But I do, and I love it.

IMG_1754 spilt bloodEven more I treasure the years we have been living abroad, in the Netherlands, in Indiana and now in California. To live in a different culture and get to understand more, to take part in charities, community life, making new friends, really makes my life richer. Even in traveling I believe that we see “through a glass darkly” and need to tell each other about our lives to be able to understand more of the total picture called LIFE.

IMG_2490 hiddel cathedralThen of course, there is no need to go anywhere, I do not know everyone in my own home town or even in my own street, so no: I go, learn and reflect and love it. But, I do not need to go or long to go anywhere.

The pictures in this post is from solitary and wonderful walks through Saint Petersburg last October.